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floating.

May 16, 2013 — 4 Comments

Four years ago we took a trip to Israel. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Walking where Jesus walked, watching the words I’d read my entire life just jump right off the page and become real for me. It was thrilling. By far one of my favorite things to see was the Dead Sea.

It’s the most amazing thing. You get in the water, and sit down and just let go. You float. Without having to do anything, you just float. It’s amazing how the water holds and supports you, and you don’t have to do anything. I loved that feeling.

I feel like my life is a little like the Dead Sea right now. I strain sometimes to keep my head above water. Sometimes it hurts, but then I let go and I realize I don’t have to try so hard. I have support. My head stays above water without straining. And I just float.

There’s nothing wrong with floating sometimes.

I am forever changed by that float in the Dead Sea. Even though no life can thrive there, it’s still fascinating to me. I want my life to be overflowing with rich, life-giving waters. I don’t want to just float on and get by. But sometimes, it’s just ok. It’s what we need to do.

I continue to put one foot in front of another. I hurt and struggle every day. I wish I was better, and wish I could take back some of the stupid things I say. My days are hard, and my nights are long.

I wish I could say joy always comes in the morning. Sometimes joy isn’t there. Sometimes I just can’t get myself out of bed. Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy in me to be mommy.

Sometimes I just float.
And you do to.
And that’s ok.

The important part is that you keep floating.

In extremely wise thoughts, joys of motherhood

growing pains

May 8, 2013 — 1 Comment

My biggest girl loves secrets and surprises. There’s nothing more fun than to tell her you have a surprise for her and watch her giggle and squirm with joy until she sees what you have in store for her. I can’t get enough of the excitement she has for the little things and special moments.

Yesterday Daddy took the bigs out for donuts and to play at the park so I could clean house. {We won’t talk about how long it’s been since I’ve cleaned. Whoa.} As they came running in the door after their time out, she couldn’t WAIT to tell me all about their outing.

“Mommy, I have to tell you a SECRET!!!!!!” she whispered so quietly and so happily.

And in her tiny voice she went on to tell me about slides and sprinkle donuts and how ZoZo was scared of the ducks. Every detail her little memory could recall, she spilled it all. As I sat down to get right on her level and took her little hands in mine while she talked, I was her whole world at that moment. She was so thrilled to share her secrets and the adventure of her day.

It made my heart jump for joy and ache at the same time.

She’s growing. We are both growing.

Just three short years ago I was holding her in my arms as my tiny baby, and now she’s exploring the world and full of adventure. How did that happen so quickly? But also just three short years ago I was a brand new mommy so unsure and so scared of what was ahead.

We both have grown so much.

I’ve been having some growing pains lately.
And I’m doing a LOT of growing. A lot.

I’m striving to be content with where God has us, and the plan He has for us. It’s not always easy, and it hurts to be stretched and grown. Sometimes growing really hurts, and lately that is the truth. But it hurts so good.

God is using my pain and turning it into something beautiful.

Are you allowing Him to use your pain? Are you turning your growing pains into something beautiful?

In extremely wise thoughts, joys of motherhood

advice for balancing multiple little ones

April 30, 2013 — 9 Comments

I get asked all the time how I handle it all. 3 kids 3 and under. That’s a lot of kids. A lot of babies. My day revolves around constantly cleaning up messes, breaking up girl fights and making sippy cups of milk and juice. The second I sit down, someone needs something. I hear “mommy” approximately 27 billion times a day.

So, you want to know how I do it all? The truth? I don’t. But I have some great advice to help you excel at managing multiple babies! These are some things that have really helped me through the last couple of years.

10. Make the room share move early. If you are planning to have your big kids share a room to prepare for baby, make the adjustment early. Remember they are all still babies, and give them time to adjust to all the new changes.

9. Choose one task per day. This has been a big rule for me. Instead of trying to conquer it all, I just choose one thing to conquer. Some days I do the dishes, another day I do laundry. I just don’t attempt to overwhelm myself with taking over the world all in one day.

8. Ask for help. This is the hardest for me. I don’t do well with asking for help because I feel like I should be able to do it all. I struggle with feeling like because this was my choice, I should be able to handle it all. The truth is that I can’t do it all, and I need to ask for help sometimes. Find people who you can ask for help from, and don’t be afraid to do it.

7. Find a network of moms. However you have to find them. I’m learning a lot about being intentional with my friendships. If this means you have to seek out people. Email some moms in the season you are in, you never know you could find your best friend! Have someone to send a text message to when you need encouragement in the middle of the day and to share the good days with too.

6. Make time for your husband. You are so busy all day with those little blessings. When bedtime finally comes, there’s nothing more you want to do than dig your face into a carton of ice cream and watch Pride & Prejudice for the millionth time. But there’s that man. The man that needs you. Take the time to remind him how important he is to you and listen to him.

5. Step away from Pinterest. Use paper plates. Serve corn dogs for dinner. Let your crafts consist of actual crayons and coloring books. Do not compare your parenting to those “perfect moms” you see on pinterest. Put down the mommy measuring stick and do the best you can for your babies.

4. This is just a season. It is. It will not last forever. Hug those babies. Rock them. Read to them. Don’t worry about the big things, and take time to focus on the little things. Just remember this season will end, and there will be another season to go through. Take a deep breath.

3. Do something special for your big kids. Remind yourself how much you like your kids. Do little things with them individually to focus on just them. It will mean a lot to them and a lot to you.

2. Take time for you. This is the most important. I can say it until I’m blue in the face, and I’m still terrible about it. Even if it’s going grocery shopping by yourself once a week. Do something for yourself. Anything to make you feel like a normal person! It’s so easy to get caught up your daily routine, but so important to focus on making you the best you.

1. Lots and lots of grace. And I mean lots of it. It’s ok to have pj and movie days. It’s ok to not leave the house for a week. It’s ok. You are doing a fabulous job, and you can’t put too much pressure on yourself. Grace, grace grace.

These are just some of the things that help me. I hope this encourages you and helps you know that you aren’t alone as a mom in this tough season! Keep up the good work mama, you’ve got this!!

What have you found that helps you?

In joys of motherhood, parenting rocks

my everyday

April 25, 2013 — 3 Comments

Just 4 short years ago I was working 50-60 hours a week. My world revolved around my husband, our walks on the beach and my events that I was planning at work. It was a wonderful time in our life and our marriage. We had just made it through the first year of our marriage, and it was a wonderful year. We didn’t have that typical struggle through the first year that a lot of newlyweds have. We thrived through that year and became closer than ever.

Now my everyday is different I work 12-16 hour days with three babies attached to me. They need me constantly. When my sweet husband walked in last night from work at 8:30, he handed me a snowcone and took the baby. I had spend every moment of the day with someone in my arms. (That man is a SAINT)

So yes, my everyday is different.
Different is good. Different is different.

I spend my days wiping butts. A lot of butts. (Oh….good thing they are cute!)
I put pigtails in hair and play hide-n-seek.

If I had a dollar for how many princess stickers I peel off my wood floors?
I’d have a lot of dollars.

My body has gone through a beating in 4 years. 3 babies.
That’s a beating. Like a hit by a truck kind of beating.

My mind is not well, and I take a little green pill every morning to help me stay calm and not get overwhelmed.
Different.

My everyday has changed, but it’s changed for the best. My husband is still by my side. He adores me and supports me though the most difficult season of my life. He’s the kind of man who holds my hand while I cry for no reason, and lets me sleep in every morning while he feeds our big girls breakfast. He doesn’t complain once. That’s the kind of man I get to share my life with. I am one blessed woman.

So yes, my everyday is hard. It’s not what it used to be. But it’s filled with three little girls who adore me and their amazing daddy. So I may spend my time breaking up hair pulling fights and never sleep all night, but it’s worth every moment.

My everyday is perfect.

Are you savoring your everyday?

In joys of motherhood

pass the prozac {understanding postpartum mental health}

April 23, 2013 — 7 Comments

There’s those things that they don’t tell you about when you look at that precious baby on the ultrasound machine. You are over the moon to carry a baby and stock your cabinets with oreos. Then, you go through hours of labor and push and push until you hold a tiny miracle in your arms.

Then you go home and you’re all on your own.

Most people can’t understand why anyone would be less than thrilled to have this new person in their home. How could welcoming a new precious little baby cause such devastation to a mom?

Maybe your doctor tells you about postpartum depression and the signs to watch for, but most likely not. Most likely you read about it a little bit in a baby book or searched google for “why am I crying so much?”. Most new moms suffer from the “baby blues”, but it ends there. If that was the case for you, you are lucky.

You might not really understand the postpartum illnesses that a new mom can suffer from. I didn’t until after having my THIRD baby! I have had three babies of my own, and watched so many of my friends have their babies. I’m just now fully understanding what hormones can really do to your body.

Let’s take a minute to really understand the different postpartum illnesses.

***********************

BABY BLUES
Happens to over 80% of new moms. It’s a stressful and exhausting time in your life, you may experience excessive crying and irritability. This will disappear on it’s own in a few weeks.

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION
Happens to about 1 in 5 new moms. Symptoms can occur within days or delivery or any time in the first year.

Symptoms:

Frequent sadness or crying
Changes in appetite
Insomnia
Intense fatigue or low mood
Emotional numbness
Feelings of helplessness and despair
Irritability, surges of anger
Feelings of inadequacy, guilt or shame
Difficulty concentrating, indecisiveness
Anxiety/Panic
Over concern for your baby
Lack of interest in sex
Exaggerated high or low moods
Dramatic changes in your feelings from sadness to thoughts of suicide

POSTPARTUM ANXIETY / PANIC DISORDER
You may not feel depressed, but may feel very anxious. Happens to about 10% of new moms.

Symptoms:

Panic attacks
Intense anxiety and/or fear
Rapid heart rate
Hot or cold flashes
Chest pain
Shaking
Dizziness
Insomnia

POSTPARTUM ANXIETY / OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER
It is estimated that as many as 3-5% of new mothers will experience these symptoms.
The most misunderstood and misdiagnosed of the disorders.

Symptoms:

Anxiety
Depression
Repetitive Behavior
Excessive Cleaning
Intrusive, repetitive thoughts

POSTPARTUM POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
About 1-6% of women stuffer from this disorder (PTSD) following birth.
This is caused by a real or perceived trauma during delivery or postpartum.

Symptoms:

Prolapsed cord
Unplanned c-section
Use of vacuum extractor or forceps to deliver
Baby in NICU
Lack of support during delivery

POSTPARTUM PSYCHOSIS
The most severe and the rarest postpartum reaction. It occurs in about 1 in 1000 women, usually within the first three weeks after the birth. The woman will experience a break with reality and symptoms are severe. Requires immediate medical care.

Symptoms:

Delusions
Hallucinations
Irritations
Hyperactivity
Decreased need for sleep
Paranoia
Rapid mood swings
Difficulty communicating

***********************

I used to be one of those people that thought only the “crazy” moms had this stuff. The moms who weren’t strong enough or didn’t enjoy being a parent. Until I realized it can happen to anyone. It can happen to you and me. Perfectly normal, happy moms who love their lives can fall victim to hormones.

The most important thing to know?
It’s not your fault.
You didn’t do anything wrong.

Did you hear me? I’ll say it again. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

The first step: admitting something is wrong and asking for help. That’s been the hardest part for me. People always tell me, “if anyone can handle three under three, its you!” And “you’re supermom!”. Although this encouragement is great, they are also what hurt me.

I believed in my head I was supermom and I could handle it all. So when I started feeling out of control, I had a hard time admitting I needed help. If I’m really as great of a mom as everyone says, then I can handle this and won’t have any problems.

Thankfully someone was there to pick up the pieces of me and push me to seek guidance, advice and medicine. It’s ok to take the crazy pills. I really struggled with this. Only nutty people take that stuff, and I’m normal! (That was my first mistake in actually thinking I’m “normal”.)

It really is ok to take medicine to help.
Jesus is our ultimate healer, and I truly believe I can be healed from this but I feel at peace with what modern medicine can offer me also. I first put my trust in Him as my healer, but still know that it’s ok if he doesn’t take it away. He’s still on the throne whether I’m crazy or not.

And the best part?
God can still use you. He can use your story. The reason I’m so open and honest about my journey, is to hopefully help someone else who is struggling. Just because you have a “mental illness” does not mean that God can’t use you. There were tons of crazy people in the bible that He used in big ways!!!

I hope that you will take the time to understand how serious postpartum illness is. Be there for your friends, your sisters. We as moms should not be doing this alone. I pray that if you are a mom suffering in silence you will take that step to get help. Email me, reach out to a friend or just call your doctor.

But DO something. Please don’t suffer alone.

In joys of motherhood, postpartum anxiety

i am not my bad days {hope for the weary mom}

April 17, 2013 — 5 Comments

I’m exhausted. My heart is weary. I desperately cry out to God to end this season, but I’m still trudging through the mud. I want the mountains to move. The feelings of being overwhelmed cloud my mind and flood my emotions.

I ache.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.

Somehow through it all, I have joy. I have hope. I know that God is doing good with what Satan meant for harm. He’s crafting my weakness for His glory. He’s teaching me that I can’t be the perfect mom. It’s unattainable. But I am the perfect mom for my babies.

I’m learning that I grasped too tightly to myself as a mom. I held myself as up an idol and thought I was the example that others should follow. I bragged on how easy motherhood came to me, and how I was such a laid back mom. So that was ripped from me. I am overwhelmed with anxiety to the point of uncontrollable panic.

I am currently ~~crying my way through~~ reading Desperate. It’s rocking my world, and I’ve been reading this quote over and over…and over again. Clinging to it, and the truth that Jesus is on my side.

I am not my bad days. I will not let the dark tell me who I am. I will give only God the authority to tell me who I am. I will choose to be a participant in my own life; I will not let this life or my dark days control me. -Sarah Mae, Desperate

So, to the mom that is hurting? You are not alone, friend. My heart is in tune with yours. I understand your struggles and fears of facing motherhood each day. It’s difficult to peel myself out of my warm bed every morning at fear I will fail at it all over again. But let’s not let the bad days control us, ok?

Thank you Jesus for grace.
You are everything you promised.
Your faithfulness is true.

In joys of motherhood, postpartum anxiety

needing refreshment

April 8, 2013 — 12 Comments

When I sit to try to write about where I am right now, it’s tough. I’m torn between that place of being raw and honest and avoiding it altogether. But I always promised you guys that I would be real, so here it goes.

I’ve hit the wall a bit. We are nearly 7 weeks in to this new journey with 3 babies and its not easy. Not at all. It sure is fun, but mama is struggling. I want to always put on a happy face and act like everything is a-ok, but I fear that’s an unhealthy way to act.

Because I make it my goal to encourage other moms,
it’s hard for me to reach out and ask for encouragement and admit I’m in need.

Since my uterus got so infected a couple of weeks ago, I’m still having a hard time recovering. It hurts and has slowed down my recovery so much. I’m sore all the time, and my poor body has been through so much. I get headaches daily due to hormones, so we are trying to figure out a medicine that is a good option to help while my body balances out.

You know how they say it takes “a couple of weeks” for your hormones to balance out? Those people must not have actually ever had babies. For me it has always gotten a little harder 4-8 weeks in. After making it through the tough first couple of weeks, and feeling that victorious “yay, I made it!”, it hits in a different way.

I have always suffered from some type of infection postpartum and then the exhaustion on top of it? Whoa. With my first it was never ending mastitis and breast infections. With my second it was more mastitis and and ulcer on my esophagus making it impossible to eat. Now, an infected uterus and non stop headaches.

Can I ask for your prayers? I am anxious to be back 100% to be a great mama and wife. My patience is short with my precious toddlers and my amazing hubby is getting the leftover pieces of my exhaustion. I know it takes time and I need to give myself grace, but that is easier said than done some days.

Last night at church this verse jumped out at me and I’ve been repeating it in my head over and over.

“he refreshes my soul. he guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.” psalm 23:3

Refreshes.
He refreshes my soul.
That’s exactly what I need right now, and I’m so thankful that’s exactly what he does for me.

Are you a mom struggling right now? I pray refreshing over you and your home. I encourage all of you to reach out to someone today and encourage them. You never know what someone might be going through and your encouragement could be just what they need. Let’s love and support one another in this difficult and wonderful time of life as moms!

In joys of motherhood

seek his face always.

April 4, 2013 — 4 Comments

I struggle. Just like all of you do. At the end of the day I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it to bed time in one piece. Then I collapse on the couch with a bucket of ice cream and mindless tv or my computer, usually both. I seek my encouragement from my fellow mamas in the trenches with me.

But I’ve got it all wrong.

Last night as I was getting frustrated with my poor 19 month old who thinks it’s hilarious to kick her newborn baby sister (my oh my, what is it with middle children??), I needed encouragement. So many times I will run to twitter and beg for someone to encourage me by venting about my day.

girls

Instead of running to the twitters, I ran to the word.

Begging: “Lord, please encourage me. Show me your face and give me strength.”

And not-so-shockingly it came through for me. The words jumped off the screen (because who uses those paper bibles these days? Ok, maybe some of you. That’s cool too.) I was reminded by some really encouraging words.

“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” 1 Chronicles 16:11

ALWAYS. Seek his face always. When you are up to your elbows in poop. When the kids are fighting non stop. When your head is pounding from the lack of sleep. When nothing makes sense.

Always.
Seek his face always.

It’s that simple. Are you seeking His face always before running to other sources of strength?

Run to Him first, and then you can be an encouragement to others that it’s possible to handle anything.

In extremely wise thoughts, joys of motherhood

when your uterus begs for a break.

March 27, 2013 — 9 Comments

Sometimes motherhood is just hard. This week was one of those times. Over the weekend my stomach started feeling sore, I thought maybe I had twisted funny and pulled something. Monday we celebrated Jessi’s birthday so I was distracted and ignored it. By Monday night I could barely move the pain was so intense.

I’m one of those people that doesn’t listen to my body and pushes through to take care of my family.
Sometimes causing more trouble for me.

Tuesday morning I called my doctor’s office first thing and told my doctor what was going on. I’d been having horrible headaches for weeks and now intense pain in my c-section incision. She wanted to see me immediately, assuming I was just overdoing it.

Turns out my uterus was very infected. Yikes.

The swelling and infection was causing a lot of pain that felt very similar to the pain after having a c-section, which had made me think it was an infection from my surgery. After an ultrasound and exam, everything looked pretty normal so she gave me a shot and sent me home with antibiotics. My headaches seem to be hormonal, so I’m on some meds to try to help those as well.

On top all that off? Jessi had pink eye this week. Zoey has been coughing for a couple of weeks, and I had brushed it off as a cold. We went to the doctor this morning and turns out she’s had bronchitis. I can’t believe I let my baby be sick for two weeks!!!

Where’s my mom of the year award?

Thankfully at 3am last night, God showed me some promises that put my heart at peace while I wait for healing.

Having babies is no easy task.
And after 4 years of abuse to my uterus it’s screaming “GIVE ME A BREAK!”

I think I’ll do just that. And rest in the fact that He has given me victory over my body and is the healer and protector of my precious girls.

My uterus and I are very happy about that.

In joys of motherhood

milk blessings

March 19, 2013 — 7 Comments

When I came to terms with my breastfeeding fate, it wasn’t easy for me. It was heartbreaking. I know that many women can’t breastfeed, so I made it my goal to be open and honest about my journey in hopes to offer support to those of you that have faced struggles similar to mine.

Never expecting anything in return.

And then last week I received an email from a local mom.
Someone whom I had never met, but had read my story.

And she offered her giant stockpile of milk.

The Internet became so real and blessed me beyond what I could ever imagine.

That top row and two bottom rows are packed full of ounce after ounce of goodness!
(That middle shelf is steak and hamburger meat. We aren’t exactly vegetarians around here

)

Our big wide world become super small when we discovered that we live just a couple of miles from one another, attend the same church and our husbands went to the same high school. Small world indeed! This precious woman, a new mom who had it on her heart to bless me. And boy did she ever!

My freezer is packed with enough milk to get Makenzi off to a great start.
And my heart is at peace with my decision.

I can never thank this sweet woman enough for what she did for me. As someone who exclusively pumped for one of my babies, I know the time and energy that goes into every single ounce. I pray that The Lord richly blesses their lives for this precious sacrifice she made for me.

Don’t let the faces fool you, she is actually quite thrilled!!!

In joys of motherhood, makenzi hannah

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